Thank you, Western Medicine

I’m having surgery to fix my erectile dysfunction. They will make a small incision on the underside of my penis, right where it meets the scrotum, cut into my corpora cavernosum, and insert two inflatable rods. These rods will then be connected to a pump and reservoir mechanism that, when activated, sends saline solution into the tubes, simulating a natural erection. All I have to do is press a button on a pump which will be installed in my ballsack. My penis will then stay hard, rigidly hard, harder than any natural erection, for as long as I want. All day if I so desire. Maybe for the rest of my life I’ll just leave it up. When I want it to be soft, I press a deflate button, and it sends the saline back into a reservoir placed in my abdomen.

The surgery takes about 15 minutes, is very streamlined, and considered minor. Recovery will take about a week to be up and walking around again, and about 3 weeks for full sexual activity. This is where I am now. A 29 year old man having a surgery that most people don’t even know exists, and if they are vaguely aware of it, think that it is for geriatrics, decrepit pervs that can’t let go, mephistophelean rogues defiant of nature. A fake boner as the permanent symbol of human technological depravity. Feminists that already hate and envy natural erections deeply in their soul even more disgusted and outraged by anything that might alleviate the psychological pain of a man. Why isn’t the money for that kind of treatment going towards more abortions and birth control? The omnipotent patriarchy engineers artificial erections to perpetuate rape culture. Think of all the high quality raping I can do once I have a mechanical member. The jokes on her if she tries to bite it. She’ll need dental work.

In all seriousness though, all I’ve ever wanted in my life is the ability to have sex with an attractive woman without my half hard on dying, and then apologizing for it. And soon I will have it. On January 6th, I become bionic.

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